Oddly, the nice weather today gave me a weird burst of energy, so I was outside trying to clean all of the dead leaves out of my flower bed when something awesome happened. The UPS truck came and brought me a package from Target! I ordered a floor lamp on payday and was super excited for it to get here! Yes, I am THAT lame that this is the highlight of my week. SO Project Lamp Assembly took precedence over gross dirty leaves.
If there is ever any doubt at what an idiot I am at doing things on my own, this is all the proof you need.
I began taking the lamp out of the box. Of course I was too lazy to go find regular scissors to cut through all the packaging – why should I go roaming around the house trying to find regular size scissors when there is a manicure set right next to me? So, there I was, hacking away at packing tape and plastic and styrofoam packing materials with a tiny cuticle scissor. Once I freed all of the contents, I read and followed the instructions which were basically “Screw pole A into base. Screw pole B into pole A. Screw pole C into pole B.” You get the picture, right? So I’m screwing poles and screwing poles, working from bottom to top like the directions said, just pulling the cord through as I assembled because it didn’t want to seem to want to be jammed into the holes as I was going. About the time I got to “screw pole C into pole D,” I realized there was a problem. I had a ton of cord leftover and still had to screw the damn socket onto pole D! And that cord did NOT want to be fed through those poles! Gah!
I kept trying to jam all that damn excess cord into the pole…I was bending it, smooshing it, crimping it…knowing full well that there was some smart person’s solution that I was missing. Also, I am an idiot, but I’m not a TOTAL idiot, so I knew that one shouldn’t really bend and crimp cords too much (my step-dad is an electrician…so I feel like I’m kind of an expert on such things). This resulted in me having to unscrew and screw the poles a million times, jamming and shoving the cord down the all holes with a probe-type object (another piece of the lamp, actually), all the while, the cat is staring at me like I’m a complete moron. I’m pretty sure she thought she could’ve done this faster. But I finally got all the cord in there, even though I felt a little bit uneasy about all the jamming and bending of the cord, and went to plug it in to test it out.
Looking at the length of the cord to plug the lamp in, I said to the cat, “Jesus Christ…the cord to plug this bad boy in is so short! Why the heck didn’t they give me more of that instead of giving me all that cord to jam into the inside? Do they think everyone lives in a brand new house that has outlets every-damn-where?” My house is almost 90 years old, so some rooms only have one or two outlets.
She stared at me blankly. I stared at her blankly. Then it dawned on me. Holy shit. THAT IS ALL THE SAME CORD! I should’ve just pulled all that extra cord through the BOTTOM of the lamp! So there I went…unscrewing and screwing again, pulling the cord through toward the bottom of the lamp instead of toward the top like I had done before. Shouldn’t THAT have been in the instructions?
And now, behold. There is light. And it is glorious.
P.S. Look! I learned how to use PHOTOS! I’m so techno savvy now!