Springtime has traditionally been what I so affectionately call “mating season.” That’s when I generally get the friskiest and really feel like I should be out there and dating a lot. I’ve really put dating on the backburner lately because, quite frankly, I’ve been down in the dumps and have felt super shitty about myself. Anyhow, long ago in a galaxy far far away (or like, 2009 and prior) springtime would awaken my online dating site profiles…I’d update them, make sure the photos were up to date, etcetera.
I’ve let those things kind of fall to the wayside, not really looking at dudes’ profiles or udpdating things. Oftentimes I will get email alerts that someone has “checked out” my profile or that so-and-so “wants to meet” me (which means they clicked “I want to meet her” but were too lazy to actually write a message – boo on you, buddy. You aren’t going to get laid with that kind of crap effort). I also get alerted when I get actual messages from fellas. Every time I get one of those alerts, I’m not gonna lie, I get a little excited. Like, maybe THIS time it’s not some total illiterate fool that just wants to ejaculate on my boobs! Not that there’s anything wrong with that…I mean, perverts need somewhere to ejaculate, I suppose…it’s just not gonna be on my boobs. At least not on the first (and, with these types, likely only) “date.” So needless to say, I’m generally horribly disappointed when I actually log in to the site (and my visits are so few and far between that I can never remember my user id and password which means I have to go through a ton of rigamarole to get them reset and whatnot) and realize that indeed, it is an illiterate fool who just wants to ejaculate on my boobs. I thought I’d share some of my favorite messages that have been sent to me by large, hairy, men wearing non-ironic trucker hats and nascar shirts:
Hey cutie u look yummy wanna meet up and play cum hangout?? I’d love to ravage ur every inch this morning
Hi. [note: Or “Hey.” I would say 80% of the messages I receive are like this. “Hi” or “Hey” are not gonna get you anywhere, fellas….fyi]
Hi there im joe im not trying to be to forward but you are very attentive if youd like to chat sometime id live a chance to get to know you [Yes, I’m very attentive, but I don’t think that’s what you meant, Joe. ]
i really like u,i am looking for love in here,can u b my gril baby
[Same guy as above, 18 hours later.] so yoiu dont wanna talk,i thank i can handel you very well….
Unfortunately I’ve deleted a lot of messages, so these are just the most recent ones. Oh, another one that I can’t post here because it was an IM conversation that I didn’t save: Some guy IMed me on a dating site and after about a 5 minute conversation, asked me if I would cosign a loan for him. Yep. Then I had to argue with him for 10 minutes about why I wouldn’t cosign a loan for a total stranger who contacted me on a dating site. The weird thing is, that guy seemed pretty intelligent…I’m sure he was on there preying on the dumb, desperate girls that would actually consider that. You know, like the ones you see on Judge Judy who let their new boyfriend move in after 3 days and take out a car loan in his name because he doesn’t have any credit.
Another favorite is the dude that said no less than 3 racists things in the first 5 minutes the first time I spoke to him on the phone.
Anyhow, what brought all of this up in the fact that I have a date with a guy from an internet dating site this weekend. Has a job. Seems literate. Is it sad that at this point that those are my only criteria? Stay tuned. Maybe this one won’t suck.