Back in the days of myspace (oh, I miss the aughts), I had a blog there that I kept up fairly regularly. Every once in a while here, I’d like to pull out one of those old posts and share them here in a series called From the Vault.
Last night I was relaying this story to some girlfriends and, after remembering I had written a blog about it on myspace when it happened, decided that it should be the first in my From the Vault series. So for your reading pleasure:
The Romantic Comedy
So tonight I received a call from Jill to go to SS Works for a Monday night movie. You see, on Monday nights, movies are $5 and they give you a free small popcorn! Yay! So after a little hesitation (I shouldn’t be allowed out of my house until I rip the whole thing apart, clean and put it back together again), I agreed to join her for a viewing of The Heartbreak Kid starring Ben Stiller.
Jill was already on the south side for a meeting so I headed out to meet her down there. Since it was so damn hot outside (come on, fall, where the eff are you?) I had my windows down and of course the CD player was up pretty loud. As I came to a stop at the red light at the McKee’s Rocks bridge, The Blower’s Daughter by Damien Rice came on so I was enjoying it, minding my own business when I hear the guy in the car next to me yell, “Hey!” Being the master of ignoring, I ignored. Then again, “HEY!” So reluctantly, hoping he just needed directions or the time, I look over to see a man in a blue beat up minivan wearing a dirty grey tshirt and missing a couple of teeth smiling at me. Fan-Fucking-Tastic, think I.
So I say, “Yeah?” And he says, “You jammin’?” And I note to myself that jammin’ really isn’t the term I would use for listening to The Blower’s Daughter but whatever. So I just kind of nod and say, “Uh, yeah, kinda…..” He says, “You look good. You married?” I roll my eyes and reply, “Yeah.” Rico Suave says, “Well, that’s ok. We can just stick it around, right?”
WHAT? Stick it around? Ok, aside from stick it being a fairly accurate description of what I think he was getting at, what the fuck does that even mean? And uh, hello? GROSS!
So I give him a look and say, “Excuse me??” Again he says, “You wanna stick it around?” I, horrified, hit the button to roll up my window. Thank heaven for automatic windows!!! He is of course muttering something like, “Oh, I see how it is…” or something equally as ridiculous; like he is surprised that I didn’t immediately put on my flashers, hop out of my car and fuck him senseless right there in his shit-ass van while he looked at me with those fucking summer teeth flashing at me.
You see this sort of thing in movies all the time except usually it’s a romantic comedy starring say, Ben Stiller and the girl is someone like Cameron Diaz and he’s slightly neurotic but in a cute way, not a creepy weirdo way and she is way too hot for him but is really smart and cool with a killer fashion sense. Unfortuntely in the movie of my life, the dude is some douche in a ghetto-ass nasty van with bad dental hygiene.
So, speaking of Ben Stiller. I have a couple things to say about the movie. First off there is a hillarious part where he and his new wife are road tripping down to Cabo for their honeymoon and she is totally into every single song that comes on, grooving and singing along in a way too enthusiastic manner. Jill and I were cracking up because we came to the consensus that if I ever get married, that would be me and my husband would be Ben Stiller, who was just wishing she would shut the eff up.
Second, I didn’t think I’d like the movie as much as I did, but the Farrelly Brothers did it again. It was really funny and quite honestly, as long as Jerry Stiller is in something I will watch it! He was so funny and inappropriate for an old man!! I also think it was the first time I ever heard the word “queef” used in a movie. I laughed so hard I almost peed.
Oh, and we forgot that it’s a holiday so we had to pay full freakin’ price!