A few years ago my sister was on the show Who Wants to Be a Millionaire (the Meredith version, not the Regis version). What the hell does this have to do with the dating battlefield? You’ll see.
I went to New York to watch my sister tape the show. Unfortunately, they over schedule taping days and she wasn’t able to get in that day, and I wasn’t able to make it back the next week, so I missed the taping. I was bummed, as I was ready to be her family member in the audience, but c’est la vie.
So when the time came for the show to air (it takes a LONG time, by the way…she taped in November, it didn’t air until the following summer), my cousin and his lovely wife were kind enough to host a party so my family could go watch my sister try to win a million bucks. So there we were – the whole family including my mom, my dad, his wife (yes they all get along and that makes things easier), both of my grandmas, and a few aunts, uncles and cousins – watching my sister on the show, rooting her on to win her million. She didn’t win the million, but walked away with enough money to buy herself a new car which was great! After she was done, they announced the next contestant as “Matt [insert last name here] from Pittsburgh!” So of course all eyes focus on me because I live in Pittsburgh (the rest of my family does not) and my mom says to me, “Oh! He’s from Pittsburgh! Do you know him??” And I’m not sure if she could tell from the look on my face or not…but after a moment of absolutely flabbergastery (Look! I made up a word!) I managed to stammer out, “Um, well yeah…I mean, not really…I mean, I met him like, once…but I don’t really KNOW him know him…”
Can you guess why I was so flustered? Yeah, I fucked that guy. Once. And never saw him again. So yeah, my sister was on Who Wants to Be a Millionaire with basically my one and only one night stand (I think…well, not really my one and only I guess, but…um, I don’t count the others really as one night stands. Whatever! Don’t judge me!!). So I don’t know what the hell my mom was thinking as I was blabbering on and on about how well I DIDN’T know this guy, but one of my cousins that was there (one that I have always been pretty close with growing up – we’re only two years apart in age) caught on. When she saw the look on my face, she harassed me (she at least did it in a low whisper so no one could hear), saying, “Oh, so you DO know that guy? Or you DON’T know that guy?” And as I stammered, she took it to the next level, “Do you know that guy in a naked way?” Arrggghh!!
I explained to her that yes, I did know him one time in a naked way. And then she cackled that super loud cackle that she has, which made my mom say, “What are you girls cackling about over there?” And me to immediately respond, “NOTHING.”
Then came the time for us to call my sister on the phone to talk about how exciting everything was. So when I got on the phone with her we chit chatted for a second and then I was like, “Yeah, so that guy that was on after you? I hooked up with him.” And my sister – my dear, naive, sweet, Catholic sister – said to me, “Really? That’s weird because I introduced myself with my first and last name and even mentioned that my sister lives in Pittsburgh and he didn’t mention knowing you or anything.”
Cut to my shame-filled response, “Um, I’m pretty sure we didn’t exchange last names…”
And her sweet, innocent, “Ohhhhh….” in response to that statement.
I could tell that she wasn’t quite sure what level of debauchery I meant when I said “hook up” but I didn’t really feel it necessary to explain it to her. These sorts of things are on a need to know basis and she did not need to know the details.
Needless to say, Matt [insert last name here] from Pittsburgh, while on the show, talked about his girlfriend, who I’m pretty sure he had at the time we did it (considering it hadn’t been THAT far prior to taping and he said they lived together which indicates at least in my mind, at least a year of dating). She was his lifeline phone call. Which he had to use super early. He only walked away with $8,000. What a dummy.
[Side note: I saw him a few months later at an event on the South Side with his girlfriend. And as much as I wanted to walk right up to him, tap him on the shoulder and say, “Hey, remember me? We fucked a year ago. Well, you were on Who Wants to Be a Millionaire with my sister! What a small world!” I didn’t.]