You would think that after being back at my dream company for a couple of months, I would be happier. Don’t get me wrong, I’m elated to be working where I’m at and for once, I don’t dread getting up and going to work every day. I’ve just been dreading getting up.
If you are one of my three readers (ha ha ha), you have probably noticed my absence (or maybe not). I’ve actually written a few entries in the past month and a half that I’ve been gone, I just couldn’t post them. Too personal, too fraught with angst that was angsty enough to rival circa 1994 teenage me.
For some reason I’ve just been sad. Sad, sad, sad. I’ve talked a bit about how being 35 really threw me for a loop. It’s a sad dark loop that I am having a hard time breaking away from. I’ve been really nostalgic lately, watching a lot of old episodes of My So-Called Life, listening to 90’s indie, grunge, and alternative rock and thinking about my lost youth – the fun times, sure, but also of time wasted being miserable, chubby, insecure and not being everything I could or want to be. I have been known to get into these sad spells, but usually snap out of it in a day or two and feel better and whatever. Probably because before I felt like I still had time to accomplish things that I should’ve done…had time to find whatever it is that will make me feel better…had time to lose the pesky weight that has been dragging me down since age 10 (when everyone else was losing baby fat, I was gaining it at a rapid pace). I think the biggest problem is that now, at 35, I truly feel like I’m running out of time.
On a positive note, like Gloria Estefan, I seem to be coming out of the dark (Remember when she was in that bus accident and then she made her glorious comeback singing that song in that blue dress?). I’m hoping that the coming of spring is going to help me perk up even more. Signs of hope: the day lilies I thought I killed last year seem to be popping back out of the ground, the cat is less lethargic (a blessing AND a curse), my anxiety seems to be dying down, and almost all I can think about is getting laid (spring is mating season, after all!).
So here’s to coming out of the dark, and seeing the light – even if it’s just a speck.