I have a problem. It’s called: Inappropriate Luvin’. Let me break it down for ya:
Inappropriate Luvin’: The young guy.
So I kind of love younger guys. I’m not a cougar – I hate the word cougar, and honestly I think it’s misused. In my opinion, cougarism doesn’t just have to do with an age equation (I’ve heard it’s something like divide your age in half and add 10 or something…I’m not sure exactly because I do not believe in that sort of math) but more to do with attitude/appearance. Like, say I started dating um…Zac Efron. Now I know this isn’t going to happen, but just as a “for instance,” let’s imagine it’s true. Now most people might consider that cougarism because Mr. Efron is 24 and I am 35. I would disagree – I would just call it lucky. You see, I’ve seen real live cougars in action: ladies in their 50’s, tanned and frosted, drinking zinfindel, wearing boob shirts, white jeans and lucite shoes with LED lights flashing in the heels while trolling the bars for muscular meat heads in their 20’s. I’m not kidding about those heels either. If you want to see cougars in their natural habitat, go to the Cabana Bar behind the Oxford Health Club in Wexford on a Friday or Saturday night this summer. For reals.
Inappropriate Luvin: My friends’ husbands
When they say all good men are either taken or gay, they weren’t really lyin’. Actually sometimes they’re both! I have both straight and gay friends whose husbands/partners are the bees’ knees. Funny, cute, helpful and smart – all the qualities I look for when I’m on the lookout for someone to date. Of course I would never ever ever ever ever act on any little schoolgirl crush I might have on a friend’s husband, but I can’t say I’ve never thought, “GodDAMN I wish I could bang that guy.”
Inappropriate Luvin: My friends’ dads
Uh, yeah, I know I said I normally go for younger guys, but you know the dads I’m talking about! The dads you just KNOW were hot back in their day! Also cute, funny, helpful and smart! Luckily, I’ve never had a friend whose husband AND dad were both crushes. Whew!
Inappropriate Luvin’: Gay guys
Ever since the beginning of time, gay guys and I have had a deep love and appreciation for each other. I know that if I am immediately attracted and drawn to a fella I’ve just met, he’s probably gay. I have a long history of gay crushes. This is how it usually goes: I meet a nice looking, well dressed and coiffed fella. I get a crush on that fella. He comes out of the closet. Sometimes that process happens over years, but it’s happened to me more than once. More than two or three times, even! I’m a lucky girl, though, because those gay crushes always turn into the best friendships.
So these inappropriate crushes are just another hazard of being single at 35. God bless us, every one.