For the first twenty-seven or so years of my life, I was master of the secret crush – all through elementary school, junior high, senior high, college, and even for a few years after. I was good at it. Liking a boy but not acting on it was my M.O. Many times my friends and I would come up with code names for the boy so we could talk about it openly and no one else would find out. The few times I tried to actually let my crush know about my feelings, it didn’t really work out so well, so in a way the secret crush was satisfying. I had this nice fantasy in my head and never felt the rejection that was sure to come if I revealed my secret.
I was what you might call a late bloomer. (Or you might call it chubby, horribly insecure, and afraid of rejection. Either way, really.) I didn’t have my first real live serious relationship until I hit about 27 or 28. And it hit me like a ton of bricks. I fell in love and I fell hard and fast, tumbling and fumbling the whole time. And while it was good (no, while it was great, awesome, sweet, and exciting) while it lasted it also crashed and burned pretty fast too. Since then, men have come and gone but more often than not I can’t be bothered with them. Dating is too much work.
BUT the secret schoolgirl crush? No work at all! After almost a decade I’m feeling kind of giddy and secrety about a boycrush. Every time I talk to or text or Facebook this particular fella, I want to blurt out, “Let’s get married!!” And then I giggle. And in my head we will be married someday. The reality is nowhere near that, but it’s good to live in fantasy land again for a little while.