Being single and 34 didn’t seem so bad. Being single and 35, though, sucks ass. I turned 35 a few days ago and with it came a myriad of anxieties and neuroses which, for a person who is already anxiety-ridden and nervous about most things, isn’t good.
I wasn’t really feeling horrible about turning 35 (age is just a number, right?) until I overheard a conversation between my sister and my cousin. They were talking about their pregnancies and the different tests that they had to get done during them. My sister was 37 when she got knocked up and my cousin was 30. My cousin noted that she had to get special tests done for down syndrome even though she was only 30 because of family history on her dad’s side of the family. My sister went on to share all the extra tests that she had to have done because she had a “geriatric pregnancy.” That’s when I was like, “What? Geriatric? It’s not like you are Sophia Petrillo!” She explained that, as ridiculous as it sounds, any pregnancy above age 35 is called a geriatric pregnancy.
I’ve never been one that was super intent on having kids. I felt like if I met the right guy and wanted to procreate with him, well, then we’d get it done, but I have never been one of those people who had a burning desire to have children. However, that whole geriatric pregnancy thing really threw me for a loop! GERIATRIC! As in old and shriveled up! For realz. It started me thinking about my upcoming 35th birthday. I mean, here I thought everything was super cool then this bombshell was dropped that if I didn’t get knocked up in the next month I’d be a goddamned geriatric! What the fuck.
So I’ve been spending the last month or so obsessing about being old and thinking more about things I should be doing like being healthier and goddamn it, getting pregnant, even though I’m fairly certain giving up alcohol for 9 months would kill me! I brought this subject up to a group of friends one night about a week before my big geriatric birthday and someone relayed the story of this woman they know who hit 35 and didn’t have a man but wanted to have a kid before she got too old, so she went and paid like, $15 grand to get artificial insemination. Seriously? The lengths people go to! I mean, you could probably go to a bar and get knocked up for free by some hot stranger!! Not that I condone unprotected sex with a stranger, but I’m just sayin’! There are cheaper ways!
We then started discussing how I only had five days to get knocked up before I became a geriatric and how I had to find a man, get married and then get knocked up all within those five days. Chances of that seemed slim, so the next logical thing for me to blurt out was that I should have a gang bang! YES! That would totally work. One of those bazillion sperms would have to stick, right?? Uh, wrong. Bad idea. Ha ha. Well at least it gave everyone a laugh, right? Oh, and maybe a heart attack or two.
But guess what I realized, kids? I drink too much, my house is a mess, and I hate mornings. Geriatric or not, I don’t think I’m ready for kids and for now I’m cool with that. We’ll see how I feel in another year…